Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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