Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
