Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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