(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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