my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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