we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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