Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
