Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
