I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Even my vagina gasped.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
