After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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