I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
