I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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