Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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