My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
