I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
