I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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