Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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