I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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