The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
