And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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