Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
