Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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