proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
