I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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