I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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