I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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