Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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