My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
