he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
