Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
