You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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