Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
