she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
