I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
