Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
