let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Pooping to opera.
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