pop tarts are not kleenex
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
