I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Sober January is a disaster.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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