only if we run a train.
done.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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