It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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