He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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