I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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