if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
