I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
