if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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