I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
