I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize