ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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