ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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