i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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