I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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